In this blog we will be talking about estrangement with an adult child along with suggestions and guidance on best ways to deal with it. So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
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It's hard to stop trying with your child. But sometimes it's best for everyone.
One of the most common questions I have found in my research that is asked to professionals by parents and guardians is whether they should keep trying to reach out or just give up. In general, I think that parents should try to reach out to an adult child for a significant period of time with letters of amends, empathy, and attempting to address their complaints before they stop trying. However, sometimes giving up is best for everyone…. but when?
Here are several reasons that indicate when you should stop:
You are being threatened with restraining orders.
Your adult child says that they need time apart but will be back in contact.
Whenever you do reach out, they are consistently hostile and threatening.
All your letters or gifts to them or to your grandchildren are sent back “return to sender.”
You are ignored or “ghosted” for periods of time.
If you are at fault, you own it, you apologize but it’s not accepted.
While those conditions may seem obvious, many parents feel like they are being neglectful or abandoning their child if they stop reaching out. This may be especially challenging for mothers who are often governed by the following convictions:
Putting yourself last, especially where your children are concerned, including grown adult children.
You keep giving even until it hurts.
Worrying about your child is part of being a good mother.
The constant cultural transmission is that if you do not feel all of those things then you are somehow behaving selfishly, irresponsibly, and unlovingly indicating that you are being unmotherly.
Yet, sometimes the most loving, parental action is to allow the distance that your child says they need. You do not have to commit to it forever, but if things are so inflamed that you are getting threatened with restraining orders or your gifts are being sent back, then they are too inflamed for progress to be made by reaching out.
Even if those conditions aren’t met, but you are being ignored time after time, then discontinuing to reach out is probably best. It is typically recommended for at least a year.
Here is why trying discontinuing contact is not only better for your mental health, it is sometimes better for a potential reconciliation:
Your estranged adult child may feel like you are respecting their wishes more.
They may respect you more for not continuing to set yourself up to be rejected by them.
It may invite more self-reflection on their part: “Hmm, my mother hasn’t reached out in seven months. Wonder what’s going on?”
It may cause them to miss you. That old saying, “How can I miss you if you never go away?” is sometimes true in families.
It gives the relationship time and space to allow things to become less inflamed.
It’s not easy to stop trying. Although sometimes it’s best for everyone. If you are becoming depressed, physically sick, and or you find you are disconnected from your daily life then you need to cut ties.
If you find yourself
Begging your adult child for interaction
Reaching out to them several times without receiving a response
You become withdrawn
You take on guilt that is not yours or is undeserving
You are telling yourself you are a bad parent or horrible person
It would be a good idea for you to get into therapy, either one-on-one or a support group to help you through the process that you will be facing.
Many have said they feel as if there is a death of the adult child, and harder yet, if there are also grandchildren involved, when estrangement happens, and the grieving is real. As a parent or guardian, you need to focus on yourself, dealing with your feelings and learning to live without your adult child and any grandchildren in your life. This can be a very difficult challenge to navigate and it brings much heartache, confusion and even numbness. This is to the extreme of the situation but if you feel there is no reconciliation in sight then it is best to see it ending for your sanity.
Sometimes holding onto “maybes” and “what ifs” can be more damaging than good. You deserve better, you deserve peace and to live your life without that monkey on your back.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always, always love yourself.
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