In this blog we will be talking about what judging others says about who we are. So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
Welcome back Adventurers and Friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
Let’s look at this in depth and discover what may really be happening within ourselves….
1. The Way You Feel About Yourself
Do you ever feel judged by someone then realize you do the same thing? Yes?
This is because often our judgment on others shows our weaknesses, soft-spots, and insecurities. Most judgments we make about people are based on lack of information. We make assumptions and judgments based on what we see, not on facts.
2. You Do It To Make Yourself Feel Better
Sometimes you have to admit it, it makes you feel good to judge people at times because it reinforces how you perceive yourself.
Let’s look at an example:
You are out somewhere in public with your toddler who just happens to be on his/her best behavior. No crying, no meltdowns and tantrums, lots of smiles, hugs and kisses.
A few feet from where you are, you spot a mom with a toddler – hers is screaming and crying, rolling on the floor, has juice running down the front of his shirt and you think to yourself, “hmmmmm….I must be doing a GREAT job as a mother. Better than her.”
You smile to yourself, then to your little “angel”. Judgment.
3. Mind Programming
I believe we teach our mind what to think.
If everyday you tell your mind you are fat, every day that is what you will think to yourself and believe. Tell your mind you are fantastic, and you will believe it (don’t overdo it on this one for risk of sounding too cocky)! Speak positive affirmations to yourself and watch your confidence increase.
Mind programming is probably the biggest reason we judge others based on their outer appearance. We make assumptions about them and about their lives based on what the media has planted into our minds.
Society tells us through social media, movies, television and music, for example, that being thin and beautiful = success.
Affluence = happiness. Being poor = unworthy, lazy or not relevant.
Even though in your heart you know this is untrue, our mind brings us to judge those who do not live up to our ‘standards’.
4. Bonding Through Insecurity
You have surely felt insecure about something or another.
We discuss people to feel better about ourselves. This is highly noticeable among middle and high school kids. Sadly, some continue this habit into adulthood. When you talk about someone else, most people will willingly join in the conversation to add their two cents. This is where a sense of bonding comes in with judgment.
5. Lack Of Information
Most times, you are judging people you see out in public. At a restaurant, grocery store, shopping mall, drivers on the road, etc. People you know anything about.
You have no insight into why they dress, act, or talk the way they do. You see tattoos, piercings, colored hair, different clothing styles. All you know is that you see something about them that you consider ‘wrong’, ‘different’ or ‘inappropriate’ – and in walks your judgment.
Maybe you are uncomfortable with the way society has been changing with self identity. The younger generation has been finally able to feel brave enough to be who they truly are on the inside. Since you are uncomfortable and/or uneducated about the pronouns being used by the youth and identify with, you are judging individuals unfairly. It is no different to judge someone for their race, religion, disability or special needs, or even age.
Judging Others By First Impressions, Is It Wrong?
Most people would say that it is not okay to judge people by their looks. Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. However, some people do judge others by their appearance. This can be based on a number of factors, including race, ethnicity, gender, and body type. Some people believe that they can tell a lot about a person by the way they look. While this may be true to some extent, it is important to remember that everyone is different and that first impressions are not always accurate.
You may see someone who looks like they have it all together - nice clothes, well manicured, carry themselves with confidence. Then you have a conversation with them only to find them to be arrogant, materialistic, even critical about others.
Now let’s look at the other end of the spectrum. Let’s say you are standing in line and next to you is someone who looks a bit disheveled, wrinkled clothes, tattoos, maybe they don’t have all of their teeth and carries a worn out look. You have no desire to talk with them or even give them any attention other than to judge them as you pass near them, just by the way they look. You see them interacting and talking with another only to discover they have a very loving, caring and kind heart. You see them help someone out while waiting for your turn in the line.
What Are The Consequences Of Judging Others?
When you judge others, you can hurt other people, especially if you voice your opinion to others, and it can perpetuate stereotypes.
What are you telling someone when you judge them and react to them based on your judgment? From personal experience, and research, I am going to tell you it is very damaging. You are saying through not only your words but actions and mannerisms that they are unacceptable, not good enough, not worthy, useless, uneducated, inexperienced, not on your status level, and even weird or awkward. Imagine the mental and emotional toll this takes on one’s personal perception of themselves.
You increase negativity in your heart and in what you put out into the world.
You are missing out on getting to know others for who they are on the inside. They could be the nicest, most compassionate and amazing person you have come across. The process of judging others can lead to biased conclusions.
Let’s Look At How Can You Become Less Judgemental?
Be mindful: Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior or appearance.
Depersonalize: When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? Never underestimate the pain of a person, because, in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.
Look for basic goodness: This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.
Repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” Remember, we are more alike than different. When I feel critical of someone, I try to remind myself that the other person loves their family just like I do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like I do. Most importantly, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.
Reframe: When someone does something you don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than you would. Or maybe they have a different timetable than you do. This may help you be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. The Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”
Look at your own behavior: Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.
Educate yourself: When people do things that are annoying, they may have a hidden disability. For example, some people with poor social skills may have Asperger’s syndrome. So if someone’s invading your personal space (as someone with Asperger’s might), remember again, it’s not about you. Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Give the person the benefit of the doubt: Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I'm going to be a jerk today." Most of us do the best we can with the resources we have at the moment.
Feel good about you: Brene´Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance. We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency.”
Those who feel good about themselves have less interest in judging others. Remember how it feels to be judged. It doesn’t feel good to be judged. Acknowledge this the next time you are judging or criticizing. Open the door of your heart to expand your awareness and self-acceptance. Make people feel better about themselves because of you.
We all have a story. You never know when you might find yourself walking in the very shoes of a person you have judged.
Never forget that judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always, always love yourself.
Thank you for joining me!
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