In this blog we will be talking about why people gossip, how to cope with it and some straight forward insight into the issues it creates. So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind, and let's get into it...
Welcome back Adventurers and Friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
This is going to be a long one as we deeply go into it, so get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
I am going to get very blunt on this topic. No sugar coating it or even stepping on eggshells. Straight to the point with honesty and matter-of-fact observations and education on the topic.
It seems that gossip is one of the most popular hobbies out there. Otherwise, how would you explain that shallow tabloid shows are among the most-watched on TV and celebrity gossip websites are among the most visited on the web? People love reading and watching the latest celebrity news, just like they love talking about other people in their lives.
I could never understand this love for gossip. There are so many fascinating, intriguing, and deep topics to talk and think about, so why do people waste their time chit chatting about their neighbor’s new hairstyle or blabbering about some dirty Hollywood rumors?
The truth is that there is always a deeper reason why someone is adopting certain behaviors and interests, and spreading rumors is no exception. So let’s explore the most common reasons why people gossip.
Let’s look at the most common four types of people who gossip and why they do it:
1. They Are Shallow
Okay, this is the most obvious one. People gossip because of their level of perception. Dull and shallow people never bother to look for meaning in things, which leaves them uninterested in deep topics and big questions.
They are only concerned about day-to-day happenings and superficial stuff. Since they can’t entertain their minds in more intellectual ways, they will look for all kinds of drama, either on the screen or in real life. At the same time, their lack of mature thinking makes them too quick to judge and unable to show understanding.
Shallow people will often gossip at work, in the neighborhood, and in their family and friend circles. Talking about others creates an illusion of excitement in their lives and gives them something to fill their minds with.
2. They Are Jealous
Why do people gossip? Many do it because they secretly envy others. Jealous personalities can sometimes behave in a particularly fake and nasty way, such as talking about people behind their back right after having a friendly dinner with them.
They gossip because they feel envious of jobs, relationships, and lives of those around them. Their own life is probably not as good as they want it to be and they believe that they deserve much more than what they have. So why would other people have it while they don’t?
In fact, you can have fake and jealous people in your circle of friends and not even know it. However, it is possible to spot them if you pay attention, no matter how nice they try to seem.
Does your friend often talk about others when they are not around? Be sure that they talk about you with someone else too. Do they sometimes become nosy and make uncomfortable personal questions? They are not genuinely interested in you, they just want to have something to gossip about.
Do they always belittle other people’s achievements or make fun of their personal life in a passive-aggressive way? For example, your friend could be making sarcastic comments or judgmental assumptions about someone’s relationship. Finally, do they always blame others for their failures and sound like the world owes them something?
If these behaviors sound like a friend of yours, you are most likely in the company of a jealous person. Beware of such personalities in your social circles and remember the timeless rule: if they gossip with you, they also gossip about you. So don’t get astonished when sooner or later, you catch these people talking about you behind your back.
3. They Live Unfulfilling Lives
Sometimes people gossip because they are secretly unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives. So they talk about others because their own life is dull and lacks meaning. This gives them the illusion of experiencing and relating to what happens to other people.
This could explain why many seniors engage in gossip – they may be feeling lonely and have nothing to fill their time with. Such people gossip with no ill intent and will be unlikely to get mean when doing so. They just try to distract themselves from the lack of excitement or meaning in their lives.
4. They Are Judgmental and Bitter
Some people thrive on negativity. So they will speak ill of everyone and everything. You will never hear them saying something nice about others. Overly negative, judgmental, and bitter personalities are the unkindest type of people who gossip.
It’s not uncommon to see such a person spreading rumors and making nasty comments about someone behind their back. But the question is, why are they doing it?
The truth is that people who talk about others in a particularly hostile and disrespectful manner are most likely to have issues of their own. Deep inside, they hate themselves, so they project this negativity onto others. This gives them temporary relief, making them feel that other people have it even worse than they do.
So Why Do People Gossip After All?
As you have noticed, these four types of people have something in common. So here you have the main answer to our main question – people gossip because their lives lack fulfillment and meaning.
A happy person with inner peace and a mission in life would never waste their time on such shallow behaviors. Gossip is nothing but a way to distract yourself from the void in your soul. As soon as you fill it with meaning, you will become uninterested in talking about others.
Now, let’s get more specific on how to deal with gossip about you and the people who spread it:
You catch furtive glances, snarky remarks, and giggles behind your back. Knowing how to deal with gossip and the people who spread it about you is not always easy but can be done.
Gossip is a habit that throws a damper on life. Elusive as it is, it’s not all out of our control. Here’s what you can do to deal with gossip about you.
The first thing to do when people gossip about you is to find the root cause of it. You will find it easier to stop it if you understand the perspectives of the gossipers. Gossiping gives people the chance to spread ‘valuable’ information.
We wouldn’t be able to sustain our societies otherwise, and psychologists suggest as much. Gossip plays a part in maintaining social groups.
Furthermore, people find gossip useful when they are not able to get the information themselves.
Hard as it is to believe, people don’t always perceive gossip as unfavorable. Some academics see the spreading of rumors as a form of cultural learning. It presents opportunities to teach children what socially acceptable behavior is.
For example, if there are people in the neighborhood who cheat people of their money, gossip about them will warn others about their behavior.
Gossip is not trivial but draining. It isn’t always easy to brush off, and you may experience a slew of difficult emotions. The first item on your ‘beat-the-gossip’ agenda should be to navigate them. So let’s deep dive into this part.
1. Control Your Negativity
It’s difficult to stop people from talking about you behind your back, but you can choose how to respond to the gossip. You might react to unwanted hearsay with anger, helplessness, and worry. These negative emotions can drain and demotivate you. Take some time to calm yourself. You’re more likely to come up with solutions when you are not reactive than if you are.
2. Widen Your Outlook
Gossip makes you feel devalued, ashamed, and desperately angry. You feel powerless and may lose sight of the big picture. You may become self-focused and develop a skewed perspective of the situation. You’ll need to develop a positive mindset to avoid this.
3. Be Kind to Yourself and the Gossiper
Forgiving hurts is close to impossible, especially with extreme transgressions. False news can be detrimental in many ways. But as the adage goes, forgive yourself, and not others. Studies support the notion that forgiveness benefits a person’s emotional well-being. It renews a person’s energy and empowers him or her.
4. Disassociate from the Situation
Disassociate yourself from the gossip, and acknowledge that the situation doesn’t necessarily reflect you. Then rumors are more about the gossipers themselves. People tell tales about others to protect their egos or positions. They attempt to bring others down to put themselves in a good light.
5. Be Patient
Prepare to play the long game if you are a victim of gossip. A few rumors may be destructive but are likely to be so only for the short term. People will see the truth over time if you let your actions speak for you.
6. Focus on the Positive Than the Negative
It may not seem so, but the good often outweighs the bad. While you may be the target of gossip, your superiors respect you for your work, and you’re taking home a substantial paycheck. Your family loves and supports you, and you appreciate that you have reliable neighbors. Remembering what’s going right will help you to stomach the unwanted gossip.
7. You’re Not Alone
The most devastating part of going through the stressful experience of being gossiped about is dealing with loneliness. Remember that you won’t be the only one going through it. Build a support system by forming alliances with those who feel the same way as you.
Dealing With People Who Spread Gossip:
Besides navigating your emotions, you’d have to deal with the rumor mongers themselves. These suggestions may help you manage your relations with them.
Tell others how the rumors and gossip are affecting you. If it makes you uncomfortable, let those who are spreading the news know that they shouldn’t be saying anything negative about others. If you wish to be more direct, express that the conversation is starting to feel like gossip, and talk about something else.
People who gossip mercilessly usually do so because of low self-esteem. You can turn the tide by saying something to boost their egos. They’d be more likely to feel positive towards you and not say anything hurtful.
You can confront the source of the gossip directly, though not confrontationally. Perhaps the rumors started as a result of a misunderstanding. Addressing the person who spreads the news may give the person a more positive perspective of you and prompt them to stop speaking ill.
Facing gossip often precedes an ugly situation, and is why few people would do it if possible. But if you explain your point of view and the hurt you feel with sincerity, you may turn things in your favor. Take a non-confrontational approach; you’re more likely to win empathy.
Finally, turn their wild rumors into messages of hope. You can respond to gossip by encouraging people to accept those whom they speak ill of into the community.
Now you know how to deal with gossip and prevent it from influencing you. You’re doing yourself an injustice if you let it dampen your spirit.
Let’s Deep Dive Into The Truly Harmful Effects of Gossip:
The desire to share a secret, vent about a grievance, or get another person to hear our side, can often get the best of us.
If we are honest, we’ve all experienced gossip in some way or another. Whether we were talked about, actively listened to another person being slandered, or shared things we weren’t supposed to, gossip has a way of sneaking itself into relationships. In my personal life, I have seen how one misguided conversation can ruin friendships, family bonds, and even community relations.
Even more so, in a day and age that centers around technology, there’s been numerous instances of how slander and internet gossip has become so intense that people have committed suicide from the pain caused. Although it’s not easy, we must be aware of how our tongue can wreak havoc on the world around us.
Looking At Five of the Most Harmful Effects of Gossiping:
1. Mistrust
Gossip leads to mistrust for everyone involved. If you are a person known for sharing everything you hear, it is likely many will be nervous to share with you. As I was once taught, “If they will talk about them to you, they will talk about you to them.” So, while sharing the latest news may feel good in the moment, the person listening will remember how you lacked discretion. Thus, not only will your listener lose trust for you, when the person you’ve talked about learns of your inability to withhold information, you will lose their confidence as well.
2. The Spreading of Lies
One reality about gossip is that lies often weave themselves into it. This is sometimes intentional, as the sharer wants to make the story more interesting or defame the person to a greater extent. Other times lies can be spread accidentally, much like the childhood game of telephone. As the news goes from one person to another, things are lost in translation or misinterpreted.
Regardless of whether the lies are spread on purpose, by choosing to speak about a person who isn’t present, you put yourself in a bad position. There’s simply no way for the person in question to share their truth or clear up any confusion, when they aren’t present.
3. Tarnished Reputation
One way to ruin a person’s reputation quickly is through gossip. It only takes one person to start a rumor of an indiscretion to set off a chain reaction. Before long, they are known for something they may or may not have participated in. It can take years to repair a tarnished reputation, and in most cases the damage is already done.
According to psychologists, the person who has suffered from another person’s gossip is more likely to suffer from lowered self-esteem, increased insecurity, depression, and suicidal thoughts. In other words, gossip places unnecessary shame on a person that may be innocent. Remember, there are always three sides to every story, “yours, theirs, and the truth.”
Be sure to think carefully before you participate in a conversation about someone else without them present. There is a high chance it will change your image of them without giving them an opportunity to defend themselves.
4. Breaks Confidentiality
A key element of friendship is confidentiality. When one friend shares with another, they do so in expectation that the friend is a “safe place.” Close friends may disclose details about their intimate lives, children, secret insecurities, past mistakes and expect that no one will ever find out. Yet, gossip breaks this code of silence.
In some ways, sharing one’s secrets is like saying, “My desire to speak about you is more important than my desire to honor you.” Rushing to share someone’s intimate details is not only selfish but a way to seek attention for yourself or make the other person look bad. At the end of the day, we must remember, if other people are unaware of your friend’s business, there is probably a reason why.
Although these situations are few and far between, there are some instances that confidentiality must be broken. For instance, if you learn that your friend’s child is being abused in the home or your friend is actively trying to commit suicide. In those cases, it’s best to seek counsel without disclosing who the person is and move forward with contacting the authorities best suited to handle the situation. When it comes to child safety, if you are a teacher, coach, mental health professional, hospital worker, and or clergy member (depending on the state), you are a mandated reporter and are required to share the information. It may prove necessary in the moment to directly tell your friend, “Thanks for sharing that but I have to share this with someone else to get help.”
5. Ruins Relationships
One way to sever a relationship is to share or participate in gossip. Once the trust is lost and the confidentiality is broken, it can be difficult to move forward. According to therapists, gossip leads to “cliques, backstabbing, bullying, secret alliances, and making others feel attacked.” Unfortunately, no relationship is exempt from the harmful effects. Whether the gossip occurs through work friends, amongst the church, siblings, or best friends, being talked about when you aren’t present causes much pain.
I suggest the following steps if you find yourself in the middle of a damaged relationship caused by gossip.
Come clean with yourself about the poor choice to participate.
Accept that gossip is damaging.
Take ownership for your participation.
Look for forgiveness.
My Final Thoughts:
Ultimately, gossip is a character issue. It takes much maturity to walk away from juicy gossip. This can become even harder if you aren’t a fan of the person being talked about. Gossip moves fast and can be a virus to your community.
Our focus should be on our own situations and building up others. We must not allow our tongues to be guilty of harming another or sit quietly as another does so.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always, always love yourself.
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