The Skeletons In Your Closet
Everyone has things they have done and said that they have regretted, they are embarrassed about, they wish they could just leave in the past. Often, these things are referred to as skeletons in your closet due to the fact that they can be detrimental to you and others will look upon you negatively.
Skeletons, actually, can be looked at as life lessons. We may not be proud of our actions and spoken words but they teach not only you but others life lessons that help with growth in character, faith, love, and one’s soul.
Unfortunately, many of these skeletons hold hurt, disappointment, anger, confusion and a vast array of emotions. So how do you deal with them so they serve a positive purpose for everyone?
First, being in the wrong, you have to own it. Acknowledge what you did and said caused harm whether it was physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, or if it was in another way.
Once you acknowledge and own it, apologize for it. Sincerely, honestly and unconditionally apologize to all those who were negatively affected by it.
Be honest. If you reacted to someone’s actions or words then express that but OWN YOUR response. Don’t make excuses and don't point fingers or place blame on others. Your actions and words are just that, YOURS. You have control over how you act and what you say. So just own it.
Be prepared to deal with the repercussions and others reactions once you acknowledge it, own it, and apologize. There are a lot of emotions I am sure that are pressing against the closet door that will spill out once you open that door. So how to deal with the overflow of those feelings being thrown at you…
Do not take anything personally, especially if you are in the wrong. This will not be easy I am sure, and you may want to get defensive and defend yourself. This is okay to feel inside but how you handle it is what matters and what will determine resolving the issues at hand. Again, don’t make excuses and don’t place blame. Just take ownership for yourself.
Let the other(s) that are involved voice their feelings regardless how hard it may be for you to hear. Take it in stride, knowing that others may not know how to express themselves in ways that are not offensive. Remember, don’t take it personally. Let them express their feelings, acknowledge their feelings, try to understand their feelings and recognize and accept that is how your actions or words affected that person.
Do not demean, belittle or dismiss the person’s feelings. This is how you made them feel and by accepting that, you are giving them unconditional understanding. It is important, regardless if you agree with their feelings or perception of the situation, that you own how you made them feel. It is vital you do this if you want to resolve the issues at hand. If this is difficult for you, you can take time later to work through that using tools such as therapy, journaling or talking it out with a friend or loved one. But the point at hand is that you put your attention to the other person’s feelings.
Once you have acknowledged, owned and apologized for how you made that person feel, you can then move onto how to resolve the issues. This is two fold. You have to work out resolutions with the other person but also with yourself personally.
Second, let’s talk about the skeletons of lies, mistruths, and actions against others for your own benefit and agenda.
Lies… there is no way around this. Everyone lies. How extensive your lies are, how deeply they are to meet your agenda will decide the impact they have. Just know, as you probably have experienced personally, that any lie - regardless if it was a little white lie or a down right destructive lie, has a punch to it that can hit you so emotionally you will never forget it. Forgiving is key to these but that doesn't mean it will ever be forgotten. Be prepared for the fact that it will also affect the trust you once had in the relationship as that trust may never be the same again. That is the risk you are taking and the sacrifice you are causing with your words. Again, recognize it, acknowledge it, own it, and sincerely apologize for it along with how it made that person feel. Lies can be so very destructive to the point where it will destroy lives, cause such damage that it is unrepairable to some people.
If you have caused someone harm in ways that it affected their lives, you need to immediately own that and apologize. If you can right the wrongs, you should do that regardless of any other circumstances surrounding your actions. Most importantly, though, is to let that person know that you are truly sorry for what you have done. Especially if you caused harmful effects on their job, relationships with others, personal attacks, or even financial offenses.
With all that said, let’s break it down even further on how to deal with these issues on an interpersonal level:
As you experience life, you come across unpleasant situations – as previously discussed, some are self-inflicted, and some just happen to you. Talking about these situations can be hard, and often the situations become secrets you hope to take with you to the grave. The dark side of this is that these situations become skeletons in the closet, and they can haunt you from time to time.
Dark secrets can take a toll on your mental health, mostly because you associate every negative experience with the wrong choices you made in the past. The hardest part about it is that because you are the author of these terrible choices, forgiving yourself can be difficult, and before you know it, you become a victim of masochism.
Most people have a dark secret they cannot share with their family or friends. Sometimes these situations have long passed, but they leave a dark mark on the conscience. Dark secrets can lead to depression, anxiety, and in the worst-case scenario, they lead to suicidal thoughts.
As humans, we are social beings; we need to interact with other humans positively, and hence, dark secrets are perceived as a threat to social acceptance. This leads to the fear of being segregated or judged by society because of the wrong choices you have made. No one should ever have to live on the edge of their seat because of fear of being a social outcast.
How to deal with your skeletons that hold dark secrets:
If you are reading this, you may be keeping a dark secret that you have not told a soul. If it’s eating away at your peace of mind, you have to cope with the anxiety that comes with trying to hide your secret. Personally, I do not recommend keeping a big secret at the cost of your mental health. You have to deal with it one way or another.
1 . Accept that it happened
Accepting reality, especially when it is ugly, is hard for everyone. Replaying how you could have possibly done things differently, or how things should have played out differently, does not help improve your situation. It is important for you to accept that things happened the way they did, and you are where you are today.
Accepting something that you cannot change does not mean you should pretend it never happened. Pushing things to the back of your head doesn’t make them disappear.
2. Make peace with what happened
As a follow-up to accepting what has happened, making peace with your situation or past situation is a vital step for acceptance. Making peace with what has happened may involve having to replay the situation in your mind, dissecting every piece, and analyzing these pieces.
This is not to make you blame yourself or crucify yourself for what has happened. To do this, you may want to look at things from a different point of view, look at the situation as if it is not your situation and honestly analyze it from a neutral perspective. The point of this exercise is to learn what you need to learn from the situation.
3. Embrace what happened
You are human; you will make good choices just as much as you will make bad ones. Consequences will have to be dealt with, and it is very normal. Every adversity has a gift that comes with it. This gift could be a lesson to learn and sometimes an opportunity to see life from a different perspective.
You can never see the gift that comes with this situation until you embrace it and ask yourself, "What can I take from this situation?"
4. Express your emotions
When I was young, I found it hard to share things I felt were embarrassing about me. Although it was often silly little things, like crushes I had on certain people, I found comfort in writing my thoughts down. Feelings are meant to be expressed, and that is the only way you can deal with them.
If the secret you hold is too heavy to share with someone, try writing your thoughts and feelings down. If you are afraid that your written thoughts and feelings may somehow land in the hands of someone, write them down and burn the piece of paper. This allows you to somewhat let out the emotions trapped inside you.
There are other ways you can express your emotions; It could be through dancing or music. Whatever the case might be, express those emotions. Do not confuse this with activities that suppress emotions. The goal is to let it all out so you can let it go.
5. Forgive yourself or the person who caused the situation
Forgiveness is the true essence of letting go of things and people you cannot change. If you cannot forgive yourself for making the wrong choice, you may find yourself in a prison of your own creation.
One way you can forgive yourself is by performing acts of self-love. Simple things like taking good care of yourself mentally and physically will help you realize that despite your situation you are a valuable being, and you are not defined by the bad things that happen to you or the poor choices you make.
6. Promise yourself to move on
It’s okay to give yourself a period to grieve, but after a while, you need to move on, and you should. If you are struggling to move on from the situation, it is okay to seek the counsel of a professional therapist.
If your dark secret is because of your poor choices, learn from your mistakes. This means that going forward, you will have to put more thought into the things you say and do. You are not defined by your mistakes and never will be.
Every day is a new day and a new opportunity to start afresh, so take back your power.
Give yourself grace, kindness and alway love yourself.