Today I thought we would talk about boundaries. How to set healthy boundaries, how to have healthy relationships, how to stop doing things out of obligation or guilt and how to stop being a people pleaser.
This is a topic I needed to learn a lot about personally and I am eager to discuss this with everyone, to help empower you to set healthier boundaries in your life. Let’s get into it…
So first off, what are boundaries? Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves around what we will or will not tolerate.
What is okay versus what is not okay?
Most of us have not thought about our boundaries and because you have not clearly defined for yourself and others what your boundaries are, people will cross those lines all the time and you can get hurt. You can overcommit and you try to please everyone and in doing that you end up hurting yourself which causes you to be the loser in the end.
Raise your hand if you have ever said yes to something that you really did not want to do out of obligation and feeling bad.
Raise another hand if you ever sacrificed yourself in order to keep the peace in a situation and to make everyone else happy.
So for those of us who have identified in our lives as people pleasers or peace keepers or those of us who haven't wanted to rock the boat, afraid of conflict, we have spent a lot of time and energy managing the perceptions of others and taking more responsibility than is ours so we have actually been abandoning ourself to make sure that others are okay instead of checking in with ourselves to see if we are okay.
Basically, as people pleasers, we have been abandoning ourselves making sure that everyone else is okay but not checking in to see if we are okay.
So let's take back our power. Control how you spend your time instead of giving everything away to everyone. Stop depleting yourself and really give yourself what you need because you have to look after yourself… you are your number one best friend and supporter. You have got to have your own back.
Let’s get into how to set up boundaries and stop people pleasing:
The first thing is self awareness. You need to know yourself. You need to know how you feel about things. You need to know where your boundaries are.
In every situation you need to ask yourself, “what is my preference? What is my desire?” Know what you want so you can start to consider yourself and your needs first. A lot of people don’t even ask themselves these questions. They are not self aware, they don't know what they want, they don't know what their needs are and because of that other people are going to step all over them.
If you don't decide, then other people are going to decide for you.
The second step after knowing yourself, your needs, and your boundaries, is to communicate and express your desires. Express those boundaries so other people know where you stand, where those lines are because if you never express it, people won’t know. They are going to do whatever they want with you. They are going to push for what they want so this is the time to express your truth, express your honest opinion, your honest thoughts, how you feel, even if it is uncomfortable, even if you are scared the other person might get hurt, even if you might offend someone. That is it… because most of the time we are too afraid to hurt other people. We are too afraid of the uncomfortable awkward situation and that will lead us to tend to hold ourselves back, we won't express ourselves, we’re not honest, we’re not authentic and that is where the problems start from.
Know that it is possible to communicate directly, honestly and in a kind way. You don’t have to be mean, you can just be honest and usually when you come from a place of honesty and kindness, people will understand. They are not going to get mad at you and if they are, then they have their own issues and it's not you, it's them.
Finally, this open communication allows you to be able to come to a compromise with the other person because you express your needs and desires, they express their needs and desires and then you work it out. Ask yourselves “How can we make it so that both of us are happy or at the very least we both respect each other’s decisions?”
An important thing I want to point out is that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. For those who are very empathetic you can predict how other people will feel and because you don't want to hurt them or offend them you often hold back from being your authentic and truthful self, you hold back from being honest with them and that is the mistake because you cannot take that responsibility for them. When you do that, you are implying that person cannot handle their own feelings and emotions… but newsflash, how they respond to what you say is not your responsibility, it is their responsibility even if it makes them sad or mad, that is for them to deal with, not you. What you need to focus on is putting your own needs first, putting yourself first in a way that you protect your energy. Why don't you protect yourself rather than trying to protect everyone else? You are trying to shield everybody from pain when you are the one hurting. So think of yourself, protect yourself and don't take responsibility for other people’s feelings.
Next, stop trying to keep the peace. Stop trying to manipulate everything so that everything is okay between everyone. I know we think of relationships as harmony at all costs but if you are always trying to aim for harmony, that comes at a very high price and that comes at the expense of your authenticity and your well being. So stop trying to make everything okay and harmonious all the time. People aren't always going to get along. Things aren’t going to always be okay. You are not going to always be liked by everybody and you have to be okay with this.
Onward…
Just say no to what doesn’t serve you. You have to learn to say no and say it with grace, say it with gratitude. It’s okay to say no. This is something I had to learn and get better at over time and it is something that does get easier with practice. Start with the little things, just turn it down, say “no, but thank you” or “no, I’m not available but thank you” and eventually it will be so much easier and you will feel so much freer because you will only say yes to the things you truly want.
I used to think I had to make up an excuse when I wanted to say no to something and it was really hard to say no to events or opportunities or things when I didn't have a real good excuse other than I don’t feel like it, but I have learned that it is okay to say no even without any excuse, no reason, no explanation…. Just no thank you, I’m not available. All you have to do is say “thank you for thinking of me, it’s just something I can’t do right now but I appreciate you asking” and that’s it… say no with grace and gratitude.
All of this comes back to self love. Learning to love yourself, treat yourself kindly, prioritize your well being because at the end of the day you have to take care of the most important person in your life and that person is you. So take care of yourself, always do what is best for yourself because you know what?, everyone else is doing what is best for themselves. If you are doing what is best for everyone else and not for yourself, no one is going to look after you, no one is going to have your back the way you can have your own back.
Remember, it’s probably going to feel uncomfortable when you first start setting your boundaries especially if you have not done it before and other people are going to be asking “hey, what are you doing?” This is something new so it’s going to be different for everybody but I promise you it is for the best. You are going to be so much freer, you are going to feel so good putting yourself first and so good to learn to communicate honestly because once you do that you might realize people aren’t as pushy as you thought. Most people are understanding and respectful. All you need to do is (1) communicate your needs, (2) then you can start a dialogue and (3) you can come to a compromise which is a healthier way to run your relationships because there will be a mutual respect rather than being passive aggressive, thinking for other people, assuming, and overthinking.
Be kind to yourself and always love who you are.