In this blog we will be talking about losing a spouse or partner to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
Losing anyone to suicide brings unimaginable pain. But the specific relationship of the lost loved one—whether they're a spouse or partner, does play an integral role in how survivors can navigate their grief, come to terms with their life after the death, and find ways to cope in both the short- and long-term. What's more, few people can truly understand the loss of a spouse or partner to suicide unless they’ve experienced it themselves; thus, turning to others who’ve undergone a similar loss is one of the most powerful tools at survivors’ disposal.
Before we continue, I would like to welcome you back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series!
For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
In this blog, we will be talking about losing a spouse or partner to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org.
Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country.
I would like to go over what I will be discussing on the individual dynamics surrounding this topic:
Where to get help and support
How to explain the loss to your children
Coping with an ex-spouse or ex-partner’s suicide
How could I have not known there was a suicidal risk?
Losing a Spouse or Partner to Suicide
Losing a spouse or long-term partner to suicide is devastating and unmooring. Trying to grapple with the sudden loss of intimacy and emotional connection that a partner provides is difficult enough—but because couples typically share finances, child-rearing duties, and other responsibilities that the surviving spouse must now juggle alone, it’s common to feel as if they can barely keep themselves or their family afloat. Spouses also often face immense guilt; though the death of their partner wasn’t their fault, many wonder how they could’ve missed signs of suicidality in the person closest to them.
It’s normal to feel as if the grief may never abate, and it’s true that it will likely always be a part of the surviving spouse’s reality. But most find that, with time, the pain does ease and they are able to function again. The help of family, friends, and often a therapist can be imperative, and there is never any shame in reaching out to others for emotional or practical support as the survivor works to make sense of the loss.
Where can I get help and support after my spouse's or partner’s suicide?
Suicide loss need not be shouldered alone. As with any form of grief, family and friends can be an enduring source of support, providing an emotional outlet and practical help with food preparation, childcare, and other day-to-day tasks that can feel near-impossible in the days and weeks after the death. While it may feel overwhelming to even ask for help, reaching out to the people closest to you is often gratifying, bolstering relationships and perhaps even easing the pain of the loss, if only slightly.
But friends and family, no matter how supportive, may not be able to fully relate to the loss and may not always know what to say. For this reason, support groups for those who have lost their spouse or partner to suicide can be immensely valuable. Hearing how others shouldered the burden of their spouse’s or partner’s death and learned to live with their grief can help surviving spouses and partners feel understood, and may provide a sort of roadmap for how the spouse or partner can start to heal. Individual therapy, too, can be of great help; finding a therapist who specializes in grief or suicide loss may prove especially beneficial.
How can I explain my spouse's or partner’s suicide to my children?
Children who lose a parent to suicide rely on the other adults in their life, particularly their surviving parent, to help them make sense of the loss. While it may be difficult for the surviving spouse or partner to speak about the suicide, children cope best when they are told honest, age-appropriate information and allowed to express their grief openly.
Explain, first and foremost, that their parent loved them very much, but they struggled with terrible, long-lasting sadness or another serious mental illness, or substance abuse, or however you see fit to explain that led them to want to hurt themselves. Emphasize that while it’s not always possible to know why someone chooses to die by suicide, the child is unequivocally not to blame—since children tend to fill in gaps in knowledge with their own interpretations, it’s imperative to explain overtly that nothing they did or said caused their parent to take their own life.
In the weeks and months after the death, the surviving parent should make it known that it’s okay for the child to ask about their parent, or to share memories or photos; leaving the subject unspoken tells children that their grief is shameful or must be carried out in silence. Above all, children need to know that even though they have lost their parent, they will not be left alone. Offering stability and reassurance—with the help of other trusted family members or the community, as needed—can help children come to terms with the loss and understand that their family is not broken.
My ex-spouse/partner took their own life. How can I cope with this complex grief?
Hearing about an ex’s suicide can trigger complicated emotions, regardless of whether the exes kept in touch or if contact had been sparse after the split. Hearing that someone who was once deeply loved was in such pain often leads, understandably, to feelings of grief. But because breakups are often tense or painful, and because closeness has likely faded with time (even if the exes remained amicable post-breakup), many people feel distant from their ex and feel strange for grieving them so strongly. If a new love interest is in the picture, someone may endeavor to hide their pain for fear of upsetting their partner.
But it’s okay, indeed, normal, to grieve an ex’s death in some way. Someone who was a valued partner for months, years, or even decades leaves a significant mark on a person’s life, even if the breakup happened far in the past. Sharing the grief with one’s current partner, if able, can feel fraught, but it’s important to emphasize that feeling pain from the loss doesn’t necessarily indicate anything negative about the new relationship. Turning to other family or friends can also be helpful, as can individual therapy.
How could I not have known my spouse or partner was at risk of suicide?
Surviving spouses and partners tend to blame themselves for their partner’s death and struggle with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. But countless people who die by suicide made a concerted effort to hide their intentions from loved ones—including and often especially their spouse. Suicidal thoughts are experienced by many as a great source of shame; someone may go to great lengths to “stay strong” for their partner, even as they wrestle with their own demons. And even partners who are aware of a partner’s mental illness and are supporting them through it can be completely blindsided by a suicide.
It’s tempting to believe that love can triumph over any problem, including serious mental illness or deep-seated despair. But the reality is that depression and other forms of mental illness are relentless adversaries, and partners alone can’t be responsible for saving their spouse’s life. Someone’s decision to take their life does not mean their partner failed them, and it doesn’t mean they loved their partner any less. Partners wrestling with self-blame should not hesitate to seek support as they come to terms with their spouse’s death and recognize that it was not their fault.
My Final Thoughts
Although there are key indications of someone’s thought process that could lead to one wanting to take their own life, it is important to remember everyone is different. Do not put a label on someone’s self demise thoughts and actions, especially as being a selfish act. Noone has the right to judge another’s feelings, their way of seeing their life through their eyes or how their situations are forming their ability to understand and cope. In the moment, you have no idea what was focusing them to do self harm. There is no straight answers you can put into a box and apply to everyone as a whole who are in suicidal tunnel. It is vital to open your heart, find your empathy and lead your loved one to discover their self worth by getting them help. Just be kind, give unconditional love and try your best to understand.
It is vital you find time for yourself, your mental and emotional health to come to terms with the trauma you have experienced. There is no right or wrong way, only what you feel is best for yourself. Personal suggestions, I have found finding outlets such as being creative through arts, journaling, writing, poetry, dancing, music, meditation, exercise, and hobbies help greatly with focusing energy onto. Memorialize your loved one with annual charity and fundraising work, doing something to help others in similar positions your loved one was in, or create events in memory of your loved one, those can be very beneficial to you.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.