In this blog we will be talking about losing a sibling to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
Losing anyone to suicide brings unimaginable pain. But the specific relationship of a sibling does play an integral role in how survivors can navigate their grief, come to terms with their life after the death, and find ways to cope in both the short- and long-term. What's more, few people can truly understand the loss of a sibling to suicide unless they’ve experienced it themselves; thus, turning to others who’ve undergone a similar loss is one of the most powerful tools at survivors’ disposal.
Before we continue, I would like to welcome you back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
In this blog we will be talking about losing a sibling to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country.
I’d like to go over what I will be discussing on the individual dynamics surrounding this topic:
Losing a sibling to suicide
How does someone’s suicide affect their siblings?
How can I cope with the loss of my sibling?
What do I say when people ask how many siblings I have?
Losing a Sibling to Suicide
Some people who survive their sibling’s suicide report that they feel like the “forgotten mourners.” The immense grief of their parents—who have, of course, lost a child—tends to take center stage, while siblings' grief receives less focus. Many sibling survivors report that they tried to “stay strong” for their parents, or spare them from further pain by projecting calm or put-togetherness. But because they outwardly appear composed, they may be perceived by others as being less affected by the loss.
But siblings of course grieve, and grieve deeply. Some sibling pairs consider the other to be their best friend—and when one dies by suicide, it leaves a hole that can’t be easily filled. Older siblings, who tend to feel protectively toward younger ones, may agonize over why they weren’t able to protect their younger sibling from their fate. Connecting with other sibling suicide survivors, and being open with others, including parents, about the deep pain caused by a sibling's death, can help survivors start to heal.
How does someone’s suicide affect their siblings?
A sibling’s suicide has been described by some survivors as an “avalanche in life’s path.” The death is often traumatic and confusing, and like other survivors, siblings often feel a range of emotions—guilt, anger, and devastating sadness among them. Siblings who were close confidantes may experience an unending feeling of betrayal—why, they wonder, could their sibling tell them everything except this?
Many sibling suicide survivors feel as if their grief is ignored by others; others deliberately withdraw because they feel that no one could possibly understand their loss, which can harm their friendships or drive a wedge between them and other members of their family. Some small research studies have concluded that after a sibling’s suicide, a survivor may struggle to form fulfilling romantic relationships—often, researchers suspect, because their sibling’s death left them hopeless that a happy future was in the cards for them. Some survivors report deliberately engaging in risky behavior in an attempt to “get back” at their sibling for the agony they caused.
On the other hand, many sibling suicide survivors report that over time, they are able to experience a new sense of purpose and recognize that nothing they did or said caused their sibling to take their own life. Some find that navigating the loss of their sibling—and grappling with the seemingly insurmountable pain that likely contributed to their decision to take their life—granted them greater empathy toward others struggling with mental illness or despair.
How can I cope with the loss of my sibling?
Immediately after the suicide, it’s hard to imagine that things will ever feel OK again. But it is possible to cope with the loss of a sibling—even if the pain never truly goes away, most siblings find they reach a “new normal” where they’re able to go about their life while still feeling and honoring their grief.
As with any kind of suicide loss, individual therapy is often a great help to sibling suicide survivors, as are support groups focused specifically on sibling suicide. Reading books, especially memoirs, about suicide loss can help someone put their feelings into words and see the course their grief might take. Connecting with other survivors, whether in person or online, can help someone feel less alone, and may help them learn coping skills that they can apply to their own lives—from journaling to self-care to fighting mental health stigma in their community.
What do I say when people ask how many siblings I have?
Some sibling suicide survivors dread being asked, “So, how many brothers and sisters do you have?” Including the lost sibling can unearth long-buried emotions or may lead to awkward follow-up questions, but leaving them out can feel disrespectful to their memory.
How someone answers this question is ultimately a personal decision, and there is no right or wrong answer. Many survivors tend to find that the answer that feels most appropriate to them develops over time. While there is no shame in feeling strong emotions whenever the question is asked, many survivors report that it tends to feel most triggering in the months and years just after the death. But with time, as grief starts to heal, many survivors find that they are able to answer it without visible upset or awkwardness.
My Final Thoughts
Although there are key indications of someone’s thought process that could lead to one wanting to take their own life, it is important to remember everyone is different. Do not put a label on someone’s self demise thoughts and actions, especially as being a selfish act. Noone has the right to judge another’s feelings, their way of seeing their life through their eyes or how their situations are forming their ability to understand and cope. In the moment, you have no idea what was focusing them to do self harm. There is no straight answers you can put into a box and apply to everyone as a whole who are in suicidal tunnel. It is vital to open your heart, find your empathy and lead your loved one to discover their self worth by getting them help. Just be kind, give unconditional love and try your best to understand.
It is vital you find time for yourself, your mental and emotional health to come to terms with the trauma you have experienced. There is no right or wrong way, only what you feel is best for yourself. Personal suggestions, I have found finding outlets such as being creative through arts, journaling, writing, poetry, dancing, music, meditation, exercise, and hobbies help greatly with focusing energy onto. Memorialize your loved one with annual charity and fundraising work, doing something to help others in similar positions your loved one was in, or create events in memory of your loved one.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.