In this blog, we will be talking about losing a parent to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
Losing anyone to suicide brings unimaginable pain. But the specific relationship of a parent does play an integral role in how survivors can navigate their grief, come to terms with their life after the death, and find ways to cope in both the short- and long-term. What's more, few people can truly understand the loss of a parent to suicide unless they’ve experienced it themselves; thus, turning to others who’ve undergone a similar loss is one of the most powerful tools at survivors’ disposal.
Before we continue, I would like to welcome you back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
In this blog we will be talking about losing a parent to suicide and how to come to terms with your loss as well as navigating your way through the traumatic way of their death.
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country.
I’d like to go over what I will be discussing on the individual dynamics surrounding this topic:
Where to get help and support
How does losing a parent affect a child emotionally?
How does a child make sense of a parent’s suicide?
How can adults help a child who lost a parent to suicide?
How does a parent’s suicide typically affect someone as an adult?
Losing a Parent to Suicide
The death of a parent, at any age and of any cause, is often a significant source of grief. But losing a parent to suicide can be deeply traumatic, and if the death occurs in childhood, it may have long-term effects on the child’s emotional development. While many children who survive a parent’s suicide grow to be secure, mentally healthy adults, most report that their parent’s death left a wound that never fully healed. It may rear its head in their relationships, their own mental health, or how they relate to their own children. Addressing the lingering effects of the death in therapy, either as a child or as an adult, can help someone let go of self-blame and feelings of rejection.
Where can individuals who lost their parents to suicide find help?
There is no statute of limitations on grief, and even those who lost their parents to suicide decades earlier find that individual therapy can help them navigate the loss and move toward a more hopeful future. Many adults also find comfort in grief support groups for individuals who have lost their parents. While the best fit will be unique to the individual, some survivors report that groups specifically related to a parent’s suicide were the most helpful because they allowed them to forge closer connections with others who understood what they were going through.
Sharing the loss with trusted others can also be a great source of comfort. Openly talking about the lingering effects of the loss can help someone feel better understood by their loved ones, and sharing stories about their parent can help preserve their memory including the moments of joy and love that may have felt especially difficult to access in the immediate, often traumatic aftermath of the death.
How does losing a parent to suicide affect a child emotionally?
Research suggests that children whose parents died by suicide tend to display more psychological distress and are at heightened risk of depression and anxiety than other children, even children whose parents died of natural causes. Children who survive a parent’s suicide are also more likely to show behavioral problems—including declining academic performance, withdrawal, or outbursts. While these effects are not necessarily permanent, they can be long-lasting; sadly, such children have a heightened risk of suicidal behavior as adults, and may be more likely to struggle with mental health challenges or substance abuse even decades after the death.
On the other hand, many children, often with the help of trusted family, friends, and therapists, will be able to successfully manage their grief and grow into secure, mentally healthy adults. Even then, however, the scars of a parent’s suicide will likely never fade.
How do children make sense of a parent’s suicide?
Children, especially young children, may not have the ability to understand the social and psychological factors that would lead someone to take their own life. Though children are sensitive to their parents’ distress and tend to try to help whenever and however they can, they may not understand its causes or consequences; a parent’s depression, for example, may be interpreted as fatigue or mere irritability.
Because of this, children may be especially likely to blame themselves for the death. Many adults who lost a parent to suicide as a child recall that they felt immense guilt with the belief if they had been kinder, less “annoying,” or more obedient, their younger self reasoned, their parent wouldn’t have done such a thing. Even older children and teenagers, who may be more cognitively equipped to understand why their parent chose to die by suicide, often struggle with deep feelings of rejection.
How can adults help a child who has lost a parent to suicide?
Surviving family members can help a child navigate their grief by providing space to talk about the death and express big, difficult emotions. Let them know in no uncertain terms that the death was not their fault. It’s OK to explain suicide, mental illness, or substance abuse in age-appropriate language; if such things are kept secret or perceived as taboo, children will often fill in the gaps with their own (often inaccurate) interpretations of what occurred and who is to blame.
Assure the child through both words and actions that they will always be taken care of, even though their parent is gone. Adults caring for a child who has survived a parent’s suicide should not hesitate to seek mental healthcare for them if possible.
How does a parent’s suicide typically affect someone as an adult?
A parent’s suicide casts a long shadow, regardless of how old someone was when it occurred. Adults who lost their parents to suicide as children may feel like they’re supposed to be “over it,” or may wonder why their grief continues to rear its head in unexpected ways. Some report going to great lengths to put as much distance between themselves and the tragedy as possible such as moving far away from home, for example, or making an effort to never think about or talk about the suicide. But they may find that this leaves them lonely, emotionally unfulfilled, and deeply confused. Some report that they struggle to get close to others because they are unwilling or unable to talk openly about the death.
Individuals who lost their parents to suicide as adults, on the other hand, may feel entirely blindsided by the death, which can magnify their grief. They may feel unable to relate to others who lose parents to other causes, and may feel angry or ashamed that their parent died by suicide and left them to fend for themselves. Young adults, who are still trying to make sense of their identity, may struggle to come to terms with what the death means for them or their future self; many worry that they're doomed to the same fate. And while some adults may hold lingering childhood views of their parents as unflappable or invincible, views which can be completely derailed by a parent’s suicide, even those who were fully aware of a parent’s struggles with mental illness, substance abuse, or a related risk factor may find it difficult to reconcile the death with their happy, loving memories of their parent.
My Final Thoughts
Although there are key indications of someone’s thought process that could lead to one wanting to take their own life, it is important to remember everyone is different. Do not put a label on someone’s self demise thoughts and actions, especially as being a selfish act. Noone has the right to judge another’s feelings, their way of seeing their life through their eyes or how their situations are forming their ability to understand and cope. In the moment, you have no idea what was focusing them to do self harm. There is no straight answers you can put into a box and apply to everyone as a whole who are in suicidal tunnel. It is vital to open your heart, find your empathy and lead your loved one to discover their self worth by getting them help. Just be kind, give unconditional love and try your best to understand.
It is vital you find time for yourself, your mental and emotional health to come to terms with the trauma you have experienced. There is no right or wrong way, only what you feel is best for yourself. Personal suggestions, I have found finding outlets such as being creative through arts, journaling, writing, poetry, dancing, music, meditation, exercise, and hobbies help greatly with focusing energy onto. Memorialize your loved one with annual charity and fundraising work, doing something to help others in similar positions your loved one was in, or create events in memory of your loved one.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.