In this blog we will be talking about how men can embrace their emotions through using radical emotional acceptance to learn from even the most difficult emotions.
Welcome back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
Get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
Let go over the key points we will be discussing:
From an early age, many men learn to ignore or suppress their feelings.
This approach tends to backfire as difficult emotions can provide us with valuable information.
Practicing radical emotional acceptance can improve your well-being
For years, I have watched the men in my life try to master their emotions, fix them, avoid them, neutralize them, and just not engage. It worked well—until it didn’t. They became so mad that nothing helped—filled with hate, anger, sadness, frustration, and fear that they would never cure their “negative emotions.”
I see them now incredibly happy that they were so emotionally distraught. Those painful emotions fueled their passion to rethink assumptions about emotions and, later, to reclaim themselves and their masculinity.
They began thinking about concepts from some newer—and one ancient—evidence-based psychotherapies influenced by Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths (“There is suffering, but it's OK”). Morita therapy, created in Japan about 100 years ago, had the genius idea to recognize that it was natural for painful emotions to arise based on circumstances.
More recently, evidence-based psychotherapies such as ACT which is acceptance and commitment therapy offer a Buddhist-inspired alternative to "thinking therapies" like CBT which is cognitive behavioral therapy. These therapies and others helped these men ask the question: What if there is no such thing as a “negative emotion”? What if all of our emotions are actually, in some way, good? If you think about it, emotions, even the “bad” ones, serve a purpose in helping people gain insight on how to take the next step to coping.
Let’s look at the conceptualization of radical emotional acceptance (REA) with its five steps or "The Five Acceptances”.
As the men in my life started to emote freely, their lives started to change. Many of their “emotional problems” would vanish when they started to apply the five steps and take their lives back. Relationships and jobs got better. Income increased. Self-esteem and physical health improved. Symptoms of depression and anxiety abated. In short, they were becoming whole again and at peace with their emotional reality.
REA set them free. They were constantly at war with themselves, believing all kinds of B.S. stories in their head about their emotions—all the stuff they were indoctrinated with growing up. That they should just “be a man and take it!” That they shouldn’t feel sad. That they should just let it go. That they shouldn’t be angry. That they should be happy. That they shouldn’t be so scared. That they shouldn’t allow hate in their heart. That they shouldn’t be jealous.
REA was like a nuclear bomb that destroyed all of those toxic thoughts and beliefs. They should have exactly the emotions they are having because they are having them. If emotions were not a problem, they just solved their biggest problem. If emotions are not a problem, then what are they good for? That is the question.
Becoming curious as to why our painful, scary, sad, or otherwise unpleasant emotions are actually good for us is the pathway toward our own answers.
What are the five steps of radical emotional acceptance? What’s the gist of how the steps can transform men into whole men again?
1. Put Down Your Shield.
A shield emotion is an emotion, or defense mechanism, that “protects” us from vulnerable, painful, or scary emotions. Anger is the classic example. Anger is a very empowering emotion, so it’s easy to get in touch with. When you’re furious, no one’s going to mess with you because you’ll kill ‘em! So, you gotta drop the anger shield to see what other emotions are hiding behind it.
2. Name the Emotion.
Simply name your own list of current emotions without explanation: For example, sad, scared, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, and ashamed. This is raw, pure emotional data. Keep in mind that emotions are the pure, visceral sensations and moods that need no explanation. An emotion plus a story becomes a feeling, and the stories are often untrue and toxic.
3. Listen to the Emotion.
What are your emotions trying to teach you about this situation or relationship? Perhaps underneath the raging anger towards your partner for saying that disrespectful thing, there is some deep hurt and disappointment and fear that they might do it again. Those painful emotions are telling you some deep truth about the relationship. Pay attention. This is the source of your emotional wisdom.
4. Act or Don't Act on the Emotion.
After you get all of your emotional data and wisdom, it’s now finally time to kick it back over to your logical brain. Now, you get to decide the best course of action to get your desires met. Do you fight? Do you speak up for yourself? Do you ask for help? Do you run? Do you kiss and make up? Or do you realize you don’t need to do a thing?
5. Thank the Emotion.
If you can find true gratitude for how your painful emotions are truly helping you, there is no longer a problem. While there’s a popular opinion that essentially says don’t give a f*ck, you know that’s not entirely reasonable. A better way is to embrace your emotions and work with them. Men have so much to gain if they do.
My Final Thoughts
It’s time to drop the “manly” attitude that you need to hide your feelings in fear of being seen as weak. If you don’t feel your emotions, you are not living honestly and truly how you are supposed to. We are all here to learn and grow which cannot be accomplished if you don’t deal with your feelings. Our emotions make up part of who we are. You must learn to acknowledge and accept them as human beings, not as a tough man! You deserve that.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.
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