In this blog we will be navigating through Part Three of the Series and discuss making sense of the stigma, shame and discomfort that follows a suicide loss.
Welcome back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
This is a 3 Part Series on Coping After Suicide Loss. I will be breaking it down as:
Part One Navigating Post-Suicide Grief
Part Two Getting Support and Learning To Cope
Part Three Making Sense Of Stigma, Shame, and Discomfort
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country
Suicide, sadly, remains highly stigmatized in many societies, and many people who lose a loved one to suicide feel pressure—either spoken or unspoken—to keep the cause of the death a secret, or to keep their conflicted feelings about it to themselves. This stigma can be immensely harmful, both to the survivors themselves and to others in the community who may be struggling with suicidal thoughts but are hesitant to speak out for fear of retribution.
Pushing back against stigma in its entirety likely requires large-scale societal change, which is happening slowly but surely. But in the meantime, individuals can help reduce stigma by speaking openly and honestly about suicide and refusing to be ashamed that their loved one lost their battle with suicidal thoughts.
Where does the stigma of suicide come from?
Cultural stigma related to suicide likely has several sources. Despite progress in recent decades, many cultures still view any mental health disorder as an aberration—feeling depressed, for example, is viewed by many as a personal or familial failing. Collectivist cultures may look down on mental illness or suicide as bringing shame to the family or community, while individualist cultures may perceive a mentally ill or suicidal person as weak or lacking in independence or self-sufficiency; both interpretations of mental illness serve to perpetuate stigma.
Suicide stigma can also stem from religious influences. Many major religions posit that suicide is a “sin”; in some, those who died by suicide are not able to receive religious burials as a result, and some religious groups may make an effort to shun the families of those who died in this manner. This can compel survivors to hide the manner of their loved one’s death, which further increases the silence and sense of shame that surrounds suicide.
I feel ashamed or embarrassed to tell others that my loved one died by suicide. Where are these feelings coming from?
Post-suicide shame is common, and is largely the result of societal stigma. Even if someone doesn’t personally believe cultural myths about the morality of suicide, they may find their influence pernicious and difficult to escape. It’s still common, for example, for those who die by suicide to be called “selfish” or “cowardly,” or have others publicly speculate that there “must have been something wrong with them”—leading their loved ones to feel unsupported or on the defensive.
Certain families or communities may go so far as to cut off contact with suicide survivors or behave as if the death didn’t occur. Because of the possibility of social consequences, some families decide to keep the cause of their loved one’s death a secret, which can lead to arguments or tension if some members would prefer to be honest about the death. Some survivors report that feeling avoided or silenced caused them deep pain and exacerbated their feelings of shame or worthlessness.
It’s also common for survivors to grapple with deep-seated fears that the suicide was their fault in some way; admitting to others the nature of the death, then, may feel like admitting one’s own guilt or personal failings.
I feel like others are uncomfortable talking to me about my loved one’s suicide. Why?
Suicide survivors often find that the people around them avoid talking about the death, offer platitudes such as “at least they are in a better place” in place of real support, or express impatience or surprise that the survivor isn’t “over it” yet. While it can be frustrating and isolating to feel like others are uncomfortable talking about the loss, it’s important to remember that this discomfort is not necessarily coming from a place of malice. Many people simply don’t know how to support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. They may think nothing they say will be good enough, so they opt to stay silent; they may hope that rote phrases like “everything happens for a reason” will provide comfort. For some, the very idea of suicide is so frightening or confusing that they find themselves changing the subject whenever it comes up as a way to escape their own anxiety.
It's best for you to find what is comforting to you. Whether it's going to other family or friends, a support group or individual counseling to help you get through this time.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.
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