In this blog we will be discussing Part One and talking about how to navigate through post suicide grief caused from the the trauma of a loved one’s death.
Welcome back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
This is going to be a 3 Part Series on Coping After Suicide Loss. I will be breaking it down as:
Part One Navigating Post-Suicide Grief
Part Two Getting Support and Learning To Cope
Part Three Making Sense Of Stigma, Shame, and Discomfort
Get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country
Every year, hundreds of thousands of people die by suicide. Each one, research suggests, leaves behind an average of 6 to 10 “survivors”: spouses, parents, children, relatives, and close friends who are devastated and shocked by the death and who may not be sure how to navigate their grief.
Suicide loss can feel incredibly isolating. But no one who has lost someone to suicide is truly alone. Help is available in many forms from friends and family, therapists, support groups, or one’s community. While the pain felt immediately after the death can seem insurmountable, it is possible to, with time, process it and start to feel hopeful again. Survivors may also, if they wish, take steps to honor their loved one’s memory and share their story with others; learning from the loss and using its lessons to bolster the mental wellbeing of others can be an important element of recovery.
Losing someone to suicide triggers painful grief that, in many ways, differs from the grief triggered by other forms of loss. In addition to confusing and overwhelming emotions triggered by the death itself, anyone coping with the suicide of a loved one is often forced to also navigate stigma, shame, anger, and in some cases serious trauma. The grieving process is different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong way to mourn someone lost to suicide. It may take time—and go through many ups and downs—but most survivors find that they are eventually able to heal, make peace with the death, and come to find joy in life again.
Why is losing someone to suicide so uniquely painful?
Like any loved one’s death, suicide triggers deep feelings of grief and loss. Someone who has experienced a recent death, from any cause, may feel alone, abandoned, and unable to imagine life without the loved one. But suicide grief is complicated in ways that other kinds of grief may not be, and its complexities can serve to magnify someone’s pain or make them feel as if no one else could possibly understand what they’re going through.
For one, losing someone to suicide is often traumatic. Someone may discover or have to identify their loved one’s body; the method of suicide may be violent; they may even have to talk to the police afterward. Some who lost a loved one to suicide may be initially unsure if the death was a suicide or a homicide; learning later that the death was self-inflicted can feel agonizing or overwhelming. Trying to come to terms with the loss and the trauma can feel like a double blow.
Suicide also triggers an unfathomable rush of emotions: anger, sadness, shame, loneliness, guilt, and on and on. Survivors may convince themselves that they could’ve prevented the death; they may feel like a terrible person for being unaware that their loved one was in such pain. Such emotions are in themselves challenging to navigate—but since many cultures or religions condemn suicide or consider it taboo, survivors often feel obligated to keep them to themselves. This typically only serves to render the loss more painful and isolating.
Why didn’t I know how much my loved one was suffering?
After someone dies by suicide, the survivors who are left behind often find themselves overwhelmed by guilt. Thoughts like “Why didn’t I know they were in so much pain?” or “Could I have stopped them from doing this?” become repetitive and haunting.
But the reality is that many people who die by suicide make an effort to hide their intentions—and the depth of their despair—from the people around them. And even if they do display external signs of suicidal ideation, few laypeople are aware of what those signs look like or what they could indicate. Someone may reject offers of help outright—or seem to make progress before sinking back into despair.
Self-blame is a common response to a loved one’s suicide, but it’s important to remember that simply feeling the emotion does not make it truthful. Suicide is in many ways unpredictable, and someone’s decision to kill themselves is entirely their own. Seeking support from others—either a therapist, a family member, a friend, or a trusted community member—can help someone make sense of pervasive feelings of guilt and recognize that they are not to blame for their loved one’s death.
Why am I feeling so many confusing emotions?
After a loved one’s suicide, it’s common to feel a veritable smorgasbord of emotions: many survivors report feeling devastated, furious, relieved, guilty, ashamed, confused, and more, all at once or in combinations that seem to make no sense. They may feel on-edge or even out of control; some survivors find themselves bursting into tears randomly or flying into sudden rages over small annoyances. Others may feel numb or empty; this, too, is a normal response to suicide bereavement.
Such conflicting emotions arise because suicide is tragic, baffling, and often seems to happen out-of-the-blue. It takes time to come to terms with what happened, and it’s common for intense emotions to ebb and flow as someone navigates their grief. Acknowledging the feelings, taking steps to process them (rather than trying to quash or ignore them), and practicing self-compassion are all important stages of grieving and recovery.
I feel incredibly angry at my loved one for deciding to kill themselves. Is this normal?
Yes. Many survivors of suicide loss feel immense anger toward their loved one—for abandoning them, for causing them such awful pain, or for not trusting them enough to share their despair. It’s even normal to feel like the death is a personal rejection; someone may secretly suspect that if they were different or somehow more “special,” their loved one would not have chosen to take their own life. While this feeling isn’t based in reality, feeling rejected is agonizing and can further exacerbate rage.
It’s also normal to feel angry at others—or even yourself—for missing clues of suicidal ideation or not doing enough to help. But while self-blame is a common after-effect of a suicide death, it’s important not to wallow in it. Talking to a therapist or trusted loved one can help someone realize that their anger, while understandable, is misguided.
Is it okay to feel relief after a loved one’s suicide?
Many who die by suicide spent many months or years prior struggling with serious mental health issues, substance abuse, or other ongoing challenges that, in addition to being difficult for the individual to navigate, may have put their loved ones under considerable stress. Countless nights spent worrying about someone—”Are they safe?” “Are they using drugs?” “Will I ever see them again?”—can wreak a serious mental and physical toll. Thus, their death may bring, along with immense pain, some small measure of relief—at least now, someone might feel, the uncertainty and anxiety are finally over.
Feeling even a glimmer of relief, however, often fuels significant guilt and shame in survivors. But relief is a common and psychologically understandable component of many people’s suicide grief. It’s okay to grapple with feelings of relief, and it’s okay to share these feelings with trusted others.
Is it possible to develop PTSD from a loved one’s suicide?
Suicide survivors are at heightened risk of developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after their loved one’s suicide. This may be especially likely if the suicide method was violent, if the survivor personally discovered the death, or if it was preceded by a history of suicide attempts that heightened the survivor’s anxiety. Anyone who has lost of loved one to suicide who is experiencing symptoms of PTSD—such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, trouble sleeping, or dissociation—should seek help from a trained mental health professional as soon as possible.
Is it normal to have suicidal thoughts after a loved one dies by suicide?
Sadly, research has found that suicide survivors are at a heightened risk of taking their own lives. Immense grief can trigger the feelings of despair and hopelessness that can breed suicidal thoughts—and because suicide survivors tend to suffer in silence, they may be less likely to share their suicidal ideation with others or seek needed help. There is no shame in feeling suicidal after a loved one’s death, but it’s important to reach out for help as soon as possible. Anyone who is having suicidal thoughts should call a suicide hotline in their country or a local emergency number. Those in the U.S. can call 1-800-273-8255 or 988; those in other countries can search for local resources on the Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources page.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.
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