My Personal Journey
One of the hardest realizations that many of us face on our healing journeys is the thought, and all the feelings that come with it, in which we come to realize that we’re the black sheep of our family of origin, or of our peers, childhood religious institution, or early community.
There may be hurt, but also opportunity in being the Black Sheep of your family.
This is a two part series on being labeled the Black Sheep of the family which I will be taking you on an adventure into understanding, accepting, and even embracing.
Let’s break it down
The term black sheep is most often used to describe the feeling of being the odd one out in one's family of origin.
Black-sheep or scapegoat archetypes are prevalent in cultures worldwide.
The black sheep may be the scapegoat for a family’s dysfunctional patterning, analogous to the "identified patient" in Family Systems Theory.
Before we get started I would like to welcome you back Adventurers and friends to Adventures Inward Let’s Talk Series! For those who are here for the first time, hello! Welcome! Thank you for joining us!
In this blog we will be talking about the power of being the black sheep of the family and how there may be hurt but also opportunity.
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
One of the hardest realizations that many of us face on our healing journeys is the thought, and all the feelings that come with it, in which we come to realize that we’re the black sheep of our family of origin, or of our peers, religious institution, or community.
Maybe there’s always been a nagging sense of feeling like the odd one out, like the proverbial ugly stepsister. Or a sense of feeling a bit orphaned. Feeling like the lone wolf. Or a sense of being the scapegoat.
Maybe it’s because you felt, understood, and responded to things differently than other members of your family, peer group and community.
Maybe it’s because you looked or sounded different.
Maybe your life choices went against the grain of what was “normal” where you grew up, whether it's because you spoke up when others didn’t, moved away from your hometown, or chose to love, and work, differently.
So maybe your sense of feeling like the black sheep was subtle and implicit, nothing directly said out loud but rather always a slight sense of the back of your mind and heart.
Or maybe your feeling of being the black sheep was more explicit and you were physically and relationally rejected by your family of origin, church, or community, for who you are and how you move through the world.
Maybe you were disowned, emotionally cut off, kicked out of your house, or treated visibly differently.
However and for whatever reasons this may have manifested for you, many of us can identify with “the black sheep” archetype and, while this is predominantly a pejorative term in our collective lexicon, this post is all about reclaiming the power of that archetype, diving deep into what it may mean to be the so-called “black sheep” from both a cultural and psychological lens, exploring the pain of what it can mean to embody this archetype, but also the power, gifts, and opportunities it offers.
Let’s be clear: "Black sheep” isn’t a term listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bedrock diagnostic book for mental health clinicians. And there isn't one single, universally-agreed-upon definition of the term, either, certainly not a clinical one, but it’s nonetheless a phrase that infuses our collective cultural lexicon.
The phrase originally and objectively described what happened when a recessive gene resulted in the birth of a sheep with black rather than white coloring. Obviously, these black sheep stood out from the flock, and, apparently, their wool was traditionally considered less valuable. The not-so-subtle devaluation begins… Around the 18th century, some suggest, is when the pejorative nature of the term as we have come to understand it today came about: It became an idiom meant to imply waywardness. These days, “black sheep” is a term that may be used by others to describe us, or for us to self-describe, if we seem like the odd one out in any way from our family of origin or community.
And still, there are many different definitions for this phrase depending on the school of thought one consults. From a Family Systems Theory perspective, the family is an emotional unit and a system within which one could say that the proverbial black sheep is analogous to the “identified patient.”
The identified patient is part of a family’s collective, unconscious psychological projection process in which they essentially defer and outsource the pain, tension, and anxiety felt within their dysfunctional system onto one person who then psychologically, and sometimes physically, “holds” the emotional energy of the family, manifesting it in symptoms and behaviors that the other members of the group can point to and say, “There’s the problem! It’s them, not us!”
In this way, the identified patient could be seen as the family scapegoat, serving as a “protective function” for its larger dysfunctional patterning.
From an archetypal psychological perspective, “the black sheep” may most closely resemble “the orphan” archetype, or that of “the abandoned child." These archetypes are, in essence, recurring symbols or motifs that describe someone, or an aspect of someone, who doesn’t feel like they fit in with their family or community of origin, physically or spiritually, and perhaps because they do not seem to fit, the group's "shadow" is projected onto them. Showing up across myths, legends, and fairy tales since time immemorial, “the orphan” and “abandoned child” archetypes are so prevalent that I believe we all embody this archetype, at least in some small way.
And, in a playful but also psychological way, Jungian analyst and author Clarissa Pinkola Esté’s classic story of the Mistaken Zygote Syndrome elaborates further on the archetype of the “orphan” or “abandoned child” by explaining how some of us may have mistakenly ended up, metaphorically in the "wrong" families.
My Final Thoughts
Whether you most closely resonate with the description of the identified patient, the orphan or abandoned child archetype, the Mistaken Zygote, or all of these descriptions, you’re likely seeing that within each is laced the theme of being misunderstood or rejected, and the feeling of being misplaced or displaced. This is the essence, to me, of what “The black sheep” archetype is all about. Keep in mind, being the black sheep can hold a certain power, a certain powerful realization that you are strong enough to stand out and be who you really are. You are courageous in standing firmly on the foundation of your being.
My Personal Journey
I was brought up with 4 sisters and 5 brothers. My 4 sisters were long gone, moved out and living their own lives. Here I was, the only girl at home with my brothers, and yes, as a child, I was treated differently but not necessarily in all negative ways. I will get into that in another blog. Once I turned 14 years old, my life was turned upside down with family separation and total chaotic confusion for me. Again, issues I will get into in a later blog.
In general, I was put in the middle of a family war and it destroyed me. I was very close to my sisters even though they were out of the house. Well, at least 3 of my sisters, there was one who actually started the whole “she’s (meaning me) going to be the scapegoat for much dysfunction in our family and the target for all of the negative feelings”. That is where it all really came to be a living nightmare for me, even to this day in some ways. Since it was demanded I make a decision between family “sides” I was devastated. I just couldn’t do it. So I was forced to do it. I literally had to consider 3 of my sisters and their children “dead”. I was not allowed contact with them. This, as a 14 year old, was life shattering. So, at the time I did as I was told by my other influential siblings. But I couldn’t do it. I went behind the backs of them and did my best to maintain a relationship with my 3 sisters and their families.
Unfortunately, it blew up on me once it was discovered by my oldest sister and brothers. Talk about being treated like a war criminal, a traitor. I was imprisoned within the confines of my oldest sister’s prison bars. She made sure I was convicted of being the scapegoat for all of the families' continued problems because I was keeping in contact with both sides even though I kept them separate.
The years would pass of me being in turmoil over my life’s situation. My life was controlled, manipulated, and fearful all awhile being used as a pawn in my family’s game of war by both sides. As I revealed in part one, this is where the knock on my door from one of my siblings came as I looked down the barrel of their gun pointing at me to make sure I was put in my place and alignment of their family laws.
What I did come to realize, understand and start to accept was none of this was my fault. Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility and ownership of a lot of choices I made, things I said and things I did once I was in adulthood. I have come to terms with all of it. I do, however, now embrace all the lessons I have learned, especially the most difficult and challenging ones.
I am in my 50’s and I am still growing, learning and realizing how my being the black sheep, the scapegoat, of my family has actually been one of the best things for me spiritually. Emotionally, well, that is a whole other journey but spiritually my heart, my soul, my faith has grown tremendously and I am grateful for this life I have been blessed with.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and alway always love yourself.
Embrace who you are!
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