My Personal Journey
This is a two part series on the dynamics of being labeled the Black Sheep of the family which I will be taking you on an adventure into understanding, accepting, and even embracing.
As the Black Sheep of the family it is important to firm up your boundaries and remember you're not to blame.
First let’s go over some details of the family black sheep:
The black sheep gets their name from being an outlier from the family unit, the one who is different.
While not always the case, the black sheep is often the one who is blamed for any dysfunction.
It is easier to blame someone for speaking out than to look at the dysfunction as a whole.
In this blog we will be talking about how to deal with being the black sheep of the family.
So get comfy cozy, open your heart, open your mind and let’s get into it…
Let’s look at a situation one of my clients are in:
Grace always felt different than her peers. An "emo child," as her family referred to her, she preferred grunge and rock music, and chose to paint and read while her siblings attended parties and other social gatherings. Over time, she found that the more she spoke out about what her childhood was like, the more extended family members and family friends turned their back on her. "I can't believe she is causing trouble. She should be grateful," they would say, slightly within earshot. Her siblings, who she assumed would understand, also started to distance themselves. "Leave the past in the past, Grace, it's better that way. Why bring all this up now?" they'd say during the occasional get together.
Grace started to realize that she had become the family's "black sheep," the one who was different than all the rest, and who stood out. She went through periods of self-blame: "Maybe it's my fault for speaking out;" moments of guilt: "I shouldn't be thinking this way," and even times of denial: "Maybe I am exaggerating everything that I went through."
These feelings compounded her already present sense of shame, leading to anxiety and depression. Over time, she started to validate her truth, and learned that in doing so, healing was possible.
In dysfunctional families, much like all dysfunctional social systems, there is a lot of resistance and pushback against people who speak out. It is common for the rest of the family, still stuck in the denial phase, to rally against the person who speaks out about the abuse or dysfunction. This person who speaks out soon becomes the black sheep, and is often ostracized and blamed, even isolated.
Not all black sheep are treated cruelly or pushed aside by families. In fact, some are able to use this label jokingly - recognizing their differences while still knowing they are loved and supported. Unfortunately, many do not have this experience, especially in families with a high rate of unhealthy dysfunction. This is because it is easier to blame someone for speaking out than to take a look at the dysfunction as a whole, and how each person - especially the adults or those with the most power - are continuing it. The person shining a light on the dysfunction by speaking out becomes an all too easy target.
In my research, I have found that the "black sheep" is the most honest of the family members, but unfortunately, this honesty does not come with many perks due to the ridicule and blame that often follows. However, I also find that the black sheep is the most likely to break away from the dysfunctional family cycles.
When this happened to me, I felt alone and scared. I wish I had somewhere to turn to help me heal, and to tell me that it was not my fault, that the pain wouldn't always be there.
Now, when I work with clients who are experiencing the same thing, we work on ways to validate and protect them during their healing journey through energy healing and positive mindfulness tools.
Here are some ways I help them work through this:
Validate your truth
No matter what your family or friends say, remind yourself of what you know to be true. If you were cast aside after coming forward about your experiences, they might say you are mistaken or misunderstand your experiences. They might even outright call you a liar. To defend yourself against their gaslighting, the most essential thing to remind yourself is that you know your truth, and that you do not have to convince anyone else.
Family members and mutual friends may not always stick up for you against those who harmed you: Try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, when it comes to speaking up, most people would rather not get involved. It is usually a reaction out of fear, or even a lack of understanding. This can be especially true for siblings or people with ties to the family who are still involved in the dysfunction. Those who know the truth might fear becoming the new target. Or they may truly believe that you are harming the family by speaking out. Unfortunately, you can not control their reaction, and it has nothing to do with you personally, as personal as it feels. Work on moving forward by focusing inward and onward. Healing is not only possible but all the more likely after you have validated your truth.
Increase boundaries to protect yourself
Depending on your situation, this may look different for you. It might look like refusing to engage in conversations that are uncomfortable or attending events that make you feel uneasy. For others, boundaries might be more about maintaining safety. Do not be afraid to end contact if the situation is unsafe for you emotionally or physically, or if there are children involved and you worry for their safety or wellbeing.
The relief and growth that comes from healing is worth any discomfort that comes from ending contact. Unfollow, unfriend, and block on social media so you are not tempted to look and see what they are doing or who they are doing it with. Decrease the common links they can use to get to you — your distant cousin who they use as a messenger. It's okay to tell them you do not wish to hear any updates.
Remember: You are NOT to blame
Always remember: What happened was not your fault, especially if it happened during childhood or your younger years. A child is never to blame for the dysfunctional household dynamics. You were not to blame for traumatic or dysfunctional events that took place inside the home, and you are not to blame for acknowledging or speaking out about your experiences. Others, especially those who have not yet done their own work of healing, will try to blame you for speaking out.
My Final Thoughts
Being the Black Sheep is a challenging position to be in but can be one that can be handled, by you, if you allow it to be. If you are struggling with childhood or family trauma, or learning how to create boundaries in the aftermath of a dysfunctional family situation, look for a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of family trauma or who understands these aspects of family dynamics.
I also suggest using mindfulness meditation and affirmations as well as journaling. These tools are a great way to refocus yourself and your energy.
My Personal Journey
Let me take a moment to share with you from my own personal experience. After 50 plus years of beating myself up for being the family member that didn’t fit into the family mold, for being the one speaking my truth, for being the one who absolutely threw a bomb into my immediate family’s dysfunctional dynamics, and going through all that I just spoke about, I finally came to understand there is healing and there is hope for a peaceful life.
I have been isolated from all of my family for over 30 years. I have been labeled not only the black sheep but as a destroyer, a liar, and drama creator of the family. Coming from a family of ten children and being the 9th youngest (next to my twin brother who is number 10), it was so easy for everyone to put the blame on me (my twin being labeled the “golden child” and not to his liking either). I was either the scapegoat, no doubt, or outright overlooked and ignored. I was a pawn in a very dysfunctional game of chess. After being disowned by half of my family and the other half just not wanting to invest the time into a relationship with me, I was torturing myself with my own thoughts, conclusions and complete lack of direction in life.
When one of my siblings showed up at my door with a shotgun telling me that if I ever contacted that side of my family again, they wouldn’t hesitate to use the gun on me, I was beyond being mentally stable and was sent into a downward spiral that only got worse as the years went on.
It wasnt until I lost two of my brothers to suicide that I started to realize the truth of it all. So many years wasted yet so many life lessons jammed packed within them. Be honest with yourself, and embrace who you are. If you need to figure things out, give yourself that time to do it. Don’t blame yourself but do take accountability where earned and then forgive yourself.
Remember to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and always always love yourself.